VENTING

yes. my heart is broken.
yes. the trip to florida helped.
no. i am not all better.
i still hurt inside.
i still wish everyday that we were still together.
i wish i wasnt me.
i wish i wasnt in pain all the time.
i wish...i wish...
i think about him every single day. without fail.
it secretly kills me inside.
i want to scream every second of every day.
i dont want to feel like this for the rest of my life.
what is there to do?
they say time heals all wounds....what if i cant deal with the pain? day after day after day....
it doesnt seem to get any easier.
other problems keep popping up. i cant seem to do anything right.
i try to help my depression by going to florida: my work cancels my insurance
i want to get help for my back which has been hurting me for around 10 years now, hard to do when you dont have insurance.
this isnt even counting all the unpaid bills i have to various medical facilities or to my mom. i think all in all i own....many thousands of dollars. what do i have in my account right now? $300. and that's because i got paid today. it wont last.
i wish for so many things that will never be:
end to pain, both mental and physical
to be happy for any amount of time in my life, which doesnt include traveling. to be happy in my normal life instead of wanting to cry every night.
to not have to take so much medication. the list goes on and on.
god i hate life.
i am not ok.
and nothing seems to help. so i pretend. i pretend that i am fine with being single. i am fine being in pain. i am fine having so many bills i will never get them all paid. what's the point? there is obviously nothing i can do about it. i've tried everything i can think of and nothing works. things just seem to backfire whenever i try.
i will resolve to be a crazy cat lady and be perfectly happy with that. i dont expect to ever get married. i'm not sure i even want to anymore. just have sex with who ever wants to. that seems to be all i'm good for. whatever. and dont tell me to get religion. that is not going to help me. it pisses me off when ppl say they put their life in god's hands. what the fuck do you think he is going to do??? not a GODDAMN thing. that's what. if it were in gods hands do you think this would have happened in the first place? and dont tell me he's trying to make me stronger. i think i've proved already what a weak person i am.
this is one of the worse nights. i dont usually feel this bad for myself...but sometimes you just have to vent. i dont want anyone to know how i feel. as fun as lakeshore was....i dont want another visit there. i still havent paid for the last one.

is it really so much to ask for, to be happy, to not be in constant pain, to have love? i dont think i ask for too much....

Love is Unfair